How to Stop People Pleasing
What is a people pleaser?
People pleasers are often considered the glue that holds relationships together, as they’re generally very kind, helpful, and agreeable. They’re highly attuned to the needs of others and often put their own needs and desires aside. While this type of behavior can be beneficial in many situations, it can also become a harmful pattern of self-sacrifice or self-neglect.
People pleasers tend to have a few common traits that can be identified. Some of these signs include constantly putting other people's needs before their own, avoiding confrontation and difficult conversations, feeling guilty when they say no to requests, and going out of their way to make sure that everyone is happy. People pleasers also tend to be overly accommodating and struggle with setting healthy boundaries.
Why does someone become a people pleaser?
Many of our behaviors and tendencies originate from our childhood experiences. For instance, when we do not feel loved and accepted unconditionally, we may try to please others in order to get approval and validation. This can lead to unhealthy habits and patterns. However, what worked for us as children does not always translate into adult life. It can be difficult to identify which behaviors are helpful and which ones are no longer serving us.
There are many reasons why someone may become a people pleaser. Generally, it’s a way to gain approval or acceptance from others. Some common reasons include fear of conflict, low self-esteem, the need for approval and validation, the need for security, the need to be liked, and the need to belong. People pleasers may avoid confrontation and any type of conflict, even if it means sacrificing their own needs. They may believe that their own needs and opinions are not important and that they’re not worthy of respect. They may seek external validation from others and may feel unhappy or empty without it. People pleasers may feel safer if they make sure that everyone is happy and may feel that they have no other options. They may avoid criticism and strive to be liked by everyone. People pleasers may feel a strong need to fit in and be accepted by a group or community.
Signs you might be a people pleaser
People pleasers tend to share several characteristics. You might be a people pleaser if:
You often put other people’s needs before your own.
You tend to say yes to requests even if you do not want to.
You fear saying no and worry about how other people may react.
You find it difficult to express your opinion or ask for what you need.
You go out of your way to make sure that everyone is happy.
You feel guilty when you do not meet other people’s expectations.
You downplay your successes and accomplishments.
You feel drained after spending time with other people.
You have difficulty setting boundaries and sticking to them.
You often feel resentful or taken advantage of.
Effects of being a people pleaser
Being a people pleaser can have a range of effects on your life. Some of these effects include reduced self-esteem, loss of identity, unhealthy relationships, stress and anxiety, and physical health issues. People pleasers place the needs of others before their own, which can leave them feeling unfulfilled and undervalued. Being a people pleaser can cause people to give up their values and beliefs in order to please others, resulting in a loss of identity. People pleasers look to please others to gain approval, often leading to unhealthy relationships with people who take advantage of their kindness. Constantly trying to please others can be mentally exhausting and can lead to feelings of stress and anxiety. The stress of constantly trying to please others can also lead to physical health issues such as headaches, fatigue, and insomnia.
How to stop being a people pleaser
Fortunately, there are some steps you can take to stop being a people pleaser! You can learn how to make others happy without sacrificing your own happiness and well-being. It can be difficult to find the balance between making others happy and taking care of yourself, but with some practice and patience, you can find a balance between helping others and taking care of yourself.
Learn to say no when something does not align with your goals or values
It’s so important to learn how to say no in order to protect your own mental and emotional well-being. Learning how to say no does not have to be difficult. Start by saying no to small requests, and do not feel obligated to explain why. Instead, focus on what you’re saying yes to and remember that it’s okay to be selective with your time and energy. Learning to say no can help you feel less overwhelmed and can actually make your yeses more meaningful.
Practice empathetic assertion
Practicing empathic assertion is a great way to learn how to say no without feeling guilty. It can be difficult to stand up for yourself, but with empathy and assertiveness, you can express your needs in a respectful way that also takes into account how the other person is feeling. Start by understanding the other person's perspective and then explain why you need to say no. For example, if someone asks you to do something last minute that you’re unable to do, you can say something like, "I appreciate you thinking of me, but I already have plans for that time. I hope you can find someone else to help you." This shows that you understand their situation, but also that you’re standing up for yourself and your needs.
Delay your response
Delaying your response is a great way to buy yourself some time to make a more informed decision. It can be hard to say no, especially if the request is coming from someone you care about. However, it’s important to be honest with yourself and make sure you’re not overcommitting your time. Taking the time to think through the request and make sure it’s something that is beneficial to you is key. You could also ask yourself questions like, "What is the impact of saying yes to this request? Is it something I really want to do, or will it be too much effort?" Taking a few moments to really think it through can help you to make the best decision for yourself.
Establish healthy boundaries and stick to them
Establishing healthy boundaries is an important part of both personal and interpersonal development. It can be difficult to know where to start, but the key is to be mindful of your own needs and feelings. When it comes to setting boundaries with others, it’s important to be direct and honest in communicating what you need. Be clear with your expectations and be willing to stick to them. It’s also important to be respectful of the other person's feelings and needs and to be willing to compromise if necessary. Setting healthy boundaries can help you feel more in control of your life, which can lead to improved self-confidence and stronger relationships.
Spend time alone and reconnect with yourself
It can be difficult to know what you want and need when you’re used to putting other’s needs and wants first. You have to take time for yourself to figure out what is important to you and what you need and want. Engaging in activities that make you feel calm, happy, and content can help you to connect to your inner voice and learn more about yourself. Journaling can be a great tool to help you figure out why you’re doing certain things for others. If you think it’s just so that they will like you or to avoid them being upset, it may be time to be honest and say no. Knowing your wants and needs is key to being able to say yes to yourself and meeting your needs instead of putting them last.
Practice self-care and prioritize your own well-being
Practicing self-care is one of the best things you can do for yourself and those around you. Self-care looks different for everyone, but some ideas include eating healthy meals, exercising regularly, engaging in activities that bring you joy, spending quality time with family and friends, meditating, practicing mindfulness, expressing gratitude, and taking some time for yourself to do something that makes you feel relaxed and refreshed, such as getting your hair and nails done or taking a bath. Self-care is not selfish but rather a necessary part of taking care of your well-being so that you can be your best self for those around you.
Create a diagram or journal your thoughts
Creating a diagram or writing in a journal can be a great way to examine your limits and boundaries and to start to identify areas of your life where you may be feeling stretched too thin or overextended. To begin, try to identify any patterns or trends in how you’re feeling, as this can help to pinpoint the areas in which you need to focus your attention. Taking some time to reflect on your emotions and to think about how you might have repressed them can also be a helpful exercise. Ask yourself if you’re being authentic and true to yourself, and consider whether the expectations you have of yourself are actually your own or if they were set by someone else.
Shifting out of people-pleasing patterns can be a difficult challenge to tackle, but it’s so important to take the time to focus on your mental health and well-being. It’s a journey, not a sprint, and it’s important to be kind to yourself and have patience as you learn how to take care of yourself. It’s not easy, but remember that you’re capable and strong enough to do difficult things.
Here is a free digital download to help you shift out of people-pleasing behaviors: How to Stop People Pleasing Journal Exercise